Tuesday, November 17, 2009

CAUTION: Long Post

so, i decided that in order to mock Twilight without being hypocritical, i would first have to see it. so i gave in and watched it.

here's what i thought:
- acting= terrible. i can't STAND stewart's voice. anyone else want to duct tape her mouth shut? she sounds like a bad lindsay lohan.
- music= pretty good. except i thought "flightless bird, american mouth" was a poor choice for the end. yes, it's a pretty song, but it's also about political disillusionment in america... not quite a love song...
- story= weak. (someone would've had to have to book for it to make sense.)
- dialog= sometimes i laughed aloud, when i wasn't supposed to.
- cinematography= indifferent. wasn't bothered either way.
- special effects= ...special.
OVERALL: hmmm... not the best use of my time.

i read this on in an article, found here. i thought it was pretty funny.

"I have provided a little cheat sheet for adults who might want to see Twilight New Moon this weekend for some reason, but who don't want to actually sit through the unbearable two hours that is Twilight Old Moon.
  • Teenage vampires travel from high school to high school pretending to be incestuous siblings, because that is just a smart cover story.
  • Teenage vampires always sit in a semi-circle around their cafeteria lunch table facing away from each other, it just makes it easier to give everyone "[screw] me" eyes.
  • Vampires know just where to find rays of sunlight in an otherwise gray forest, FACT.
  • When you transfer to a new school, it will somehow be prom right away.
  • Vampires of all ages love to play Vampire Lightning Baseball.
  • Although vampires can hit baseballs very, very far, the outfielders must remain at a regulation distance from home plate during every at-bat, and then run fast into the woods to find the ball.
  • If you're a bad vampire, wearing shirts is optional.
  • It only takes two hours to drive from coastal Washington to Phoenix, Arizona.
  • Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) can read everyone's mind except Bella Swan's (Kristen Stewart)--perhaps a "she is clinically brain dead" twist in future episodes?
  • Werewolves used to be really awkward and goofy looking when we didn't know they were werewolves, but then werewolves put on 30 pounds of muscle and somehow that also fixed the werewolves' face?
  • Vampires cannot go out in the sun because their skin sparkles and everyone will know they are vampires (or extras in a Lady Gaga video), but vampires CAN live in giant glass houses that let in as much sunlight as possible, no problem.
  • Vampires never go surfing because surfing belongs to the werewolves.
  • In a town of 3,000, you know that at least eight of them are going to be rapists, and they are all going to try and rape you together.
  • Vampires drive their hybrid cars like Vin Diesel drives his dinner trays.
  • You can throw off a Tracker Vampire by rubbing a hoodie on a tree.
  • There are Tracker Vampires.
  • Some vampires have psychic visions that can only be transcribed in charcoal drawings, you just never know, different vampires have different powers, sometimes, apparently.
  • If you are a bad vampire who hangs out in a crew of bad vampires, and one of those bad vampires is black and has dreadlocks, watch out for him, because he will betray you for no reason, right away.
  • Although in times of distress it would probably be faster for vampires to use their superspeed to get away, sometimes they just like to drive!
  • Sometimes vampires have venom and sometimes they don't?
  • If you are a good vampire and you are about to kill a bad vampire, you should try and restrain yourself and remember that you are a good vampire. The easiest way to do this is by letting other good vampires kill the bad vampire.
  • Going back to Vampire Lightning Baseball for a second: it is important to wear a non-denominational "baseball" hat in a way that makes you look like a special needs child.
  • Werewolf dads are very concerned with whether or not their human friends' daughters are dating teenage vampires, and will pay their teenage werewolves human money to try and break up these relationships that have nothing to do with them."
if you like mocking Twilight (or at least the first movie), read the article. it's pretty funny.


ahlin said...

hahahahahahahaha oh my gosh that was so funny! nevertheless, i am still super excited to see new moon and do, in fact, have tickets for the midnight showing ;)

Jen Kerr said...

OH MY GOSH! i laughed so hard! and yes, i like twilight, but i can definitely see why people mock it. And yeah, the movie is funny at parts when it's not supposed to be. Even my roommates and I make fun of it, even though we like it. I love you!

Emma said...

haha! loved the one about rubbing the hoodie on the tree.